Category: Movies

Rango (2011)

So Johnny Depp is a lizard now.  Or maybe he’s been a lizard all along?  He could be one of THEM; that would explain his rampant success all these years, and…wait…what’s that knocking at the door?  Is someone the

NEVER MIND. GO BACK TO YOUR NORMAL HUMAN LIVES. EVERYTHING IS FINE.  THERE IS NO ONE AT THE DOOR. THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY.

THE CHARACTER OF WAFFLES IS MOST DEFINITELY THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE FILM.

WHEN RANGO SCREAMS HE SOMETIMES SOUNDS LIKE KERMIT THE FROG.  THIS IS SILLY.  FROGS ARE NOT LIZARDS.

RATING: FIVE DAYS OF WATER

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Well, that was a thing.

I guess I should have read the back of the box first; that would have explained a lot.

A different name would have helped; I was expecting a new adaptation, along the lines of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

This is more like if Return to Oz were just called The Wizard of Oz.

Rating: 10/6

I need some more time so I will be switching to a Mon, Wed, Fri schedule for January.

Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

Really turns the wtf up to 11.

I wonder just how far off the mark they can get with these?  It’s like no one understands the point of the original.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

Interesting…

I think Kylo Ren inherited too many prequel-trilogy Anakin genes, and not enough OG-trilogy Darth Vader genes.

BB-8 rolling down stairs has kind of pushed anything else I was going to say out the window.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

The formula is getting stale.

My suspension of disbelief fell apart when the girl ended up having telekinesis.  That really shouldn’t bother me when we’re already dealing with a supernatural killer; but for some reason that just felt incompatible to me.

I was looking forward to several character’s death scenes.

I think I’m only going to give this one half a chu and half a pah.

Ponyo (2008)

Ahhh, much better.

The timeless story of a fish that turns into a frog then turns into a girl then back into a frog then back into a girl then back into a frog then back into a girl then back into a frog then back into a fish then back into a girl.

I’m sure The Little Mermaid never caused quite this many million/billion yen worth of flood damage.

Rating: HAAAAAAM!

Sausage Party (2016)

I really should have known better.

Halloween (1978)

Meh.

Eragon (2006)

It’s Star Wars.  Seriously.

The dragon riders are the Jedi.

The Varden is the Rebel Alliance.

Galbatorix is Darth Vader.

Arya is princess Leia.

Eragon is Luke Skywalker

Brom is Obi-wan Kenobi

Uncle Garrow gets to be Uncle Owan and Aunt Beru simultaneously.

Saphira is Luke’s X-wing.

Durza is the Death Star.

Blue People: The Movie (2009)

This is the future, right?  Where we respect other cultures?  Where we don’t commit mass-murder to steal some stupid rock?

I wish James Cameron had decided to rip something else off other than Pocahontas; this would have been much better without the constant distraction from a plot that doesn’t fit the setting.